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A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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The Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she
answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was: "Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She
called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is : The
cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except
the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is...
absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just
do not know how to thank you," said the contestant
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with
which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By
the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."
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Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. When they'd driven just 30 miles, they saw one that read
"Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later, they arrived in Florida exhausted - having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.
Total restrooms cleaned: 450
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I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out
of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde...it'll be important
later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shhh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The blonde started following me and the boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
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New Blonde Waitress
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
the kitchen and said to the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights
and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an
auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN!
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A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"
She replies "15 inches."
He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not HAVE curtains."
The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!!!
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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other
day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought, what the heck I started jumping down up and along with her When she
said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been
trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more.
"I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked
her how she kne! w. She said,
(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack
home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Joan, a rather well-proportioned blonde woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday"
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated. "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel.."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight"
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The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed.
"Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
(another "Blondes get BACK!)
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THREE BLONDES (NATURAL) DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST. PETER. HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.
THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG
FEAST AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER SAID, "SO, TELL ME."
SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE
JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER.
ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."
THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."
ST. PETER FAINTED
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A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!!
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1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse! )
9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)
10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)
17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)
A BETTER BLONDE JOKE A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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